When we have a time crunch or just need to get something done, it’s easy to feel like forcing our child to do something is the only option. Unfortunately, force and controlling kids often increases their resistance, and causes them to dig their heels in even further.

Children want (and need) to have some control of choices in their lives (don’t we all!). When children sense that we’re on their side, and that we will support their autonomy whenever we can, they’re much more likely to cooperate when choices aren’t an option.

What does this look like in real life? Check out these ideas:

• Talk with them: “Hey, I’ve noticed you haven’t wanted to get dressed in the morning. Let’s talk about it!”

Starting a conversation shows kids that we’re on their side, and that we’re interested in doing things with them, rather than to them.

• Look for the yes: “Today we’re hanging out at home, so you don’t have to get dressed if you don’t want to. Tomorrow we have an appointment, so we’ll need to get dressed.”

Finding ways of meeting kids’ need for autonomy when we can, goes a long way in gaining their cooperation when we need it.

• Identify the underlying need: “I’ve noticed you really don’t like being cold—and that makes it really tough to get dressed! Want to warm your clothes up in the dryer, or get dressed under the covers?”

There’s often an underlying reason that kids are struggling with something. Finding ways to meet that fundamental need can help them be more cooperative.

•  Be playful: “I’m going to close my eyes and count to twenty. I wonder if you can get dressed before I open them!”

When basic daily tasks feel like just another task to complete, kids might naturally push back. By taking time to slow down and have fun, when possible, daily tasks can be an opportunity for building connection.

• Point out natural consequences, when applicable: “By the time you got dressed today, it was too late for us to make it to the park. Now it’s time for lunch. We might have time tomorrow if we’re dressed before breakfast!”

Natural consequences help kids draw connections between their own choices and the outcomes.

Remember that it is normal and developmentally necessary for children to eventually start asserting their independence. Although we want them to eventually learn to be independent, it’s all too easy to get caught up with our own daily checklist and overlook this need to practice autonomy that all children have.