Based on Circle of Security® Parenting Curriculum

“Rupture and repair:” an important concept in parenting that you may have never heard of. Ruptures are moments of disconnection between a caregiver and child – when the relationship is misaligned, or when the needs of someone or something else gets prioritized over the needs of your child.

The truth is that ruptures happen, no one is perfect, and they are a part of being in any imperfect, authentic relationship.

Sometimes ruptures are minor, like missing your baby’s cues – and sometimes ruptures feel big and scary; like an adult temper tantrum that may result in leaving your child to handle their big feelings on their own.

As bad as ruptures may feel and as much as we wish they didn’t happen, ruptures are a part of life, and it is okay for our children to learn that grownups don’t always get it right. What is most important is that when ruptures happen, they need to be repaired. 

Repair is where the magic happens. A repair is when the grown-up can acknowledge the rupture to themselves and to the child. Let them know they are safe, that your relationship with them is safe.

A repair can look as simple as ‘oops, I thought you wanted to be held, but you wanted to keep exploring’ – or it might be ‘I really yelled. I am sorry for scaring you. I don’t want to raise my voice at you, next time I will take some deep breaths. I love you.’

It is when we get stuck in the cycle, and continually rupture without making efforts to repair – that can start to damage the attachment relationship with our children.

Rupture & Repair is a term from the Circle of Security Parenting Program that we facilitate at Forty Carrots Family Center. It is one of the main concepts of the program. It is about understanding that no human relationship is without challenges, but the trust and security of the relationship comes from personal reflection and taking responsibility of making repair. It is always up to you, as the grown-up, to repair these ruptures and return to connection and safety.

“Ruptures happen. Repairs also happen. This is a very positive thing, because children end up being more secure when they find that good things can follow bad things. We’re not perfect, and if we were, we’d be setting our children up for severe disappointment in a world that is anything but perfect. Plus, we’d be preventing them from developing a resilient sense of self that trusts that mistakes are a normal – even healthy – part of genuine relationships.” – Raising a Secure Child, by Kent Hoffman, Bert Powell & Glen Cooper

When we make effort to repair with our children after a rupture, it models the behavior we want to see. Children will learn to develop their own reflective capacity and be able to use it in their own relationship experiences – and one day your child may even come to you with an authentic “I’m sorry for yelling, I was angry. Next time I will try to take some deep breaths when I am upset.” Remember, it’s about the long-term gains. Children are always taking everything in.

It can be hard to admit when we don’t get it right with our children. When we get caught up in self-blame & shame, we may think “I am a bad parent”, rather than “I did not handle that well” – remember that blame is a dead-end street, for you and your child. When get stuck in blame or guilt, you are missing out on an important opportunity to repair the relationship and build an even stronger connection with your child.

Finally, ruptures are a normal part of any authentic human relationship. Ruptures happen, sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small. But when we focus on repair, we are teaching our children that ‘even when we lose our cool or mess up in parenting, our relationship is always okay.’ This is what a safe, trusting, unconditionally loving relationship looks like, and this is the message we always want to send to our children.