Attention and connection with others are a basic human need. In adults, we may see communication that connection is needed by asking a friend to talk or making time to just watch a movie together with someone special. In children however, they don’t generally have the language to communicate their need for connection and attention, so they communicate in behaviors and they aren’t always appropriate. When a caregiver realizes that these behaviors are just a child’s way of communicating their need to be seen and heard, it can change the perspective, allow for greater understanding and creates space for those needs to be met. When you can re-label attention seeking behaviors as connection seeking, caregivers are better able to handle the behaviors more positively.

When kids desire connection but act out in attention seeking behaviors, how can a caregiver meet the need and limit the unwanted behaviors? Check out these three ways to meet your child’s need for connection:

Make time to be together: If this sounds simplistic, it’s because it is. Often, we overcomplicate how to interact with our children. It doesn’t need to be extravagant or involve hours of playing together. There are many other ways to give your child the connection they need, including watching a show with them, reading books together, coloring, cooking or baking together, checking in with them, and simply asking them a question while they are playing independently. Being engaged simply means being there and letting your kids know that you notice them.

Give your child spontaneous attention: Give it freely and intentionally. Don’t make them beg you for it.  Try giving more than you think they need and see if you notice a reduction in unwanted behaviors. This kind of attention can be many random interactions; quick hugs, pats on the head, high fives, eye contact, or a snuggle on the couch. Think about what the world is like for your child, look at it through their lens. Why might they be needing to connect? How can you meet that need?

Notice the good: It’s easy to notice when our children act out with unwanted behaviors and it is those behaviors that are most often addressed. However, if a child is seeking connection and they only get attention when they are doing what we don’t want them to, it is likely we will get more of that. Catch your child using appropriate ways to ask for connection and praise them for it! When your child tells a funny story, makes silly faces, hugs you or wants to sit near you, they are appropriately trying to connect and get your attention. Try to be present in these moments and it will encourage them to use this type of behavior for connection in the future.

Remember, children engage in attention seeking behaviors because they need connection to develop, grow and thrive. Most of the attention seeking behavior children display is developmentally normal. Parents often refer to unhelpful behaviors by explaining “my child is acting out” or “they are just looking for attention.” Thinking of attention seeking as connection seeking can completely change your perspective and in turn, strengthen the relationship you have with your child!