Children often look to adults after they do something new: stacking blocks, taking a step, or finishing a drawing. When they look up, they aren’t just asking if they did it “right.” 

They are asking:

“Do you see me? Am I important to you?”

Circle of Security® teaches us that children need more than approval; they need connection and delight. Children learn who they are by watching our faces and listening to our voices. When they often hear general praise like “Good job,” they may start focusing on pleasing adults instead of enjoying learning and exploring. You don’t have to stop saying “Good Job” completely. If “good job” comes out naturally, that’s okay. Loving parenting, not perfect parenting, builds security. What matters most is that your child feels your presence, warmth, and delight.

When adults notice and describe what they see, children build:

• Confidence from within
• A love of learning
• A sense of being valued for who they are

Examples of noticing:

• “You kept trying.”
• “You worked hard on that.”
• “I see how carefully you did that.”
• When you smile, soften your face, and enjoy your child, you send a powerful message: “You matter to me. I’m glad to be with you.” This helps children feel safe, confident, and secure.

Try this at home the next time your child says, “Look!”

1. Pause and really look at them.
2. Smile or nod to show you see them.
3. Share what you notice:
   • “You didn’t give up.”
   • “You’re so focused.”
   • “You look proud of yourself.”

Even babies notice your face and tone. A loving look, gentle voice, or shared smile is often enough. Children don’t need to be told they are “good” to feel good. They grow strong from being seen, enjoyed, and loved, just as they are.