To resolve challenging behavior in children, first attempt to figure out why the behavior is happening rather than focusing on the behavior itself. A key question to ask yourself is: are they capable of behaving better? Dr. Ross Greene, author of Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child, states that “if your child could do well, he would do well… If your child had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior.”

What happens if instead we assume that kids want to do well, but sometimes they can’t… yet? This is when it’s the caregiver/teacher’s primary job to figure out what’s getting in the way and how to help get past it.

Instead of jumping to try to fix the behavior, first try to figure out what the core issue is. What’s hard for them? Think about the environments / situations where the challenging behaviors appear. What are the stressors in that environment and how could they be reduced? What skills are they lacking that would help them to be more successful? How can you support the learning of those important skills? What unmet needs in the child might be causing this behavior? Can they be met?

We can start with reframing the behavior from: Won’t Vs. Can’t (yet)

Assess the mindset of the adult. Is it judgmental or curious? 

Try to look from the viewpoint of the child. Are they being willful and defiant or are they simply lacking the skillset? Consider if there are too many stressors or roadblocks.

Pay attention to the thoughts that are coming up for the adult. Instead of “they are just lazy or trying to get attention!” try “What could be getting in the way? How can I support them? Are they seeking / needing connection?”

Identify what response would be the most helpful and effective. Instead of rewards and punishment or discipline, is it possible to find and remove the barriers that are getting in the way?

Consider the child’s experience. Are they feeling frustration, guilt and shame or can our response help them feel supported and strengthened?

Learn to be a NEEDS DETECTIVE! When kids are exhibiting challenging behaviors, we can begin with looking for and responding to the possible barriers and stressors.

FIND STRESSORS ———————- REDUCE THEM

FIND UNMET NEEDS —————– MEET THEM

FIND SKILL DEFICITS —————– TEACH THEM

“See a child differently, you see a different child” -Dr. Stuart Shanker