Sometimes we may try to “take the blame” for things with our kids, thinking that showing them that we all make mistakes and acknowledging when we do something wrong can be a great way to model taking responsibility. But it’s possible to raise resilient problem solvers by using language that seeks to understand and address needs, rather than always looking for someone to blame or punish (even if that person is ourselves).

Try to Remember that the guilt and shame of doing something “wrong” shouldn’t be so heavy that it keeps us from solving the problem. If, as children, we were blamed or punished when we broke something or made a mistake, a subconscious reaction might still be to look for someone to blame, rather than work towards a solution. It is hard work to unlearn the harmful patterns we learned as kids. Let’s be gentle with ourselves: we are learning and growing, too.

Unlearning blame can be as simple as reframing the way we address a problem so that it is solution focused instead. Check out these examples:

Instead of: Oooh you’re out of water, that’s my fault, I forgot to pack a second water!
Try: Next time, let’s make a list of things we need at the park, so we don’t forget.

Instead of: Sorry, that’s my fault, I shouldn’t have made it so hot for you.
Try: Is the soup too hot? Let’s get some ice cubes to cool it down.

Instead of: Ugh, I’m sorry. Mommy should have checked the weather before we made plans for the park.
Try: Looks like the rain is rolling in, how about we find some puddles to jump in instead!

When we problem-solve together, kids learn that there doesn’t always need to be a ‘bad guy’ when things don’t go as planned – the important thing is that we work together to find a solution. This can help shift us from the never-ending “it’s not my fault!” cycle and help us remember we’re all on the same team. Try using phrases that discourage “me vs. you” and encourage “us vs. the problem.”

Me vs. you: You’re being way too loud!
Us vs. problem: Let’s take this big energy outside!

Me vs. you: You never clean your room, no wonder you can’t find anything!
Us vs problem: What can we do to make things easier to find in your room?

Me vs. you: Look what you have done! If you’d have been more careful, this wouldn’t have happened.
Us vs. problem: Oops! Looks like we’ll need a broom to clean this up.

Kids learn to respond to mistakes by mirroring our responses. We can raise solution focused problem solvers by moving away from blame and guilt and move towards finding solutions as a team. Changing the meaning we give to events is a huge part of the way we experience life. Our kids are always watching and if they see us flipping the script and empowering ourselves, that’s what they will naturally learn to do.